Almost Ready

Am I holding out for something more, or am I just afraid?

I’ll admit that I have this belief that if I truly wanted to be intentional with someone, that … I could.

It’s kind of like a person who is smoking who admits out loud like … “if I wanted to stop I could” … and you kind of look at them like … are you sure, haha?

That is why I say that I am almost ready, because I truly feel that being ready is a choice.

I know that there is a part of me that is still holding onto something more. Not just in a partner, but really more in myself.

I feel like I have achieved a lot and climbed many mountains, but it still feels as if I haven’t fully come to peace within myself. There is still a war within me, an itch that I still haven’t fully scratched.

For myself in particular, I want to be financially free, I want to feel like I am creating more consistently, and I believe that those two aspects are a result of a deeper sense of self-security. I believe I haven’t accepted myself enough. I believe that I haven’t fully owned who I am.

I know this because I am still afraid to openly express myself in the ways that I know are core to me. A level of strength to be truly confrontational, moments of insecurity that still hold me back from unleashing the fullness of my soul.

It’s interesting because from the outside looking in, you might see someone who is not afraid to share. Someone who is not afraid to be bright, and this is true in many mediums and in many aspects, but there are still levels that I have yet to unlock.

This brings me back to this place of like, I want love. I want to have a partnership and someone to help me tap into that. Part of me feels like I can’t do it all alone forever, trust me, I’ve been doing it that way my whole life. Maybe that is the next evolution for me, which is letting someone in and giving me that help.

I know I am close because I feel uncomfortable but grounded. It’s like attempting to master guitar. I am skilled, but I am still learning. I am trying out new melodies, but still sitting in the discomfort of not having found the right notes.

Something new for me is being more intentional about love, being more curious and open, but also allowing myself to not have all the answers.

Examples include: Willingness to set up more intentional dates, being friends first, staying in contact, and reaching out to people when I would normally stay quiet out of fear of being disappointed or disappointing them.

I am not going to act like I am ready to lock it in tomorrow, but I do see myself softening, and that is a start.

That to me is the secret, which is putting yourself into a place you don’t normally find yourself, and seeing how you feel. It’s crazy when you realize that everything that has ever happened to you, and the way things have always been, never predict the way that it could be, or the way that it will be.

That’s the hidden beauty of life, and something I want to leave you with, which is, this is YOUR journey. All your perceived imperfections, your ability to commit, to set boundaries, to be single, to not be single, the choices that you make for yourself, there is no set standard or rulebook. Fuck what people think you should be, and step into the version of yourself that you’re called to be. This isn’t to say don’t be open to suggestion, it just means that no matter what, you are never in the wrong place or at the wrong time.

This is something I need to remind myself, especially in times like this, which is that I don’t have to be in a relationship, but maybe giving more of that energy could unlock something for me that I never experienced before …

It’s like the smoker we referenced above. It’s not that you have to stop, but when was the last time you tried to do something different?

Maybe being more intentional, even in the areas of my art, creativity, and finances, would also do me some good. The key here is stepping outside of what I normally do and taking risks that scare me.

So I don’t know where all of this will end up, and I am comfortable with that. But there is also a discomfort that comes with shedding my skin.

Let’s just say, I am almost ready for this new season to begin.

-Chris

For more ways I can help you on your self-development journey, listen to the podcast or learn more about working with me directly.